I keep starting a new post and then losing my train of thought and abandoning it. I really need to make my writing and this blog a priority. If writing is something I love doing, I should never be too busy to sit down and write. It is hard for me to process my thoughts into understandable sentences, though. The least I can do is try. Even if my writing is rambled thoughts that don't flow, at least I'm writing.
I've been troubled by my emotions lately. Part of me hates dating and wants nothing to do with it. I have turned down multiple guys because "I don't want to date and I don't want a boyfriend". I think I use that excuse as a nice way of turning them down. There are definitely people I want to date and that I would like to explore my options with, but those are the ones who aren't interested in me in that way. Funny how that works, isn't it? There is the other part of me that just wants to find my person. That person I can be completely myself with and be a complete freaking weirdo with. Someone that is there for me when I need them. Don't get me wrong, I have girl friends that I know would be there, but that's just not quite the same. I want to fall in love and I want someone to fall in love with me. This is my hopeless romantic side coming out. It's taken me a long time to accept myself and love myself for who I am. I beat myself up for a long time because of how I'd treated past boyfriends. I've spent the last ~2 years working on myself, getting to the root of my problems, figuring out what I did wrong, and how I can do better in the future. I'm finally ready to love someone again, to open up and be honest about my feelings. I want that real shit. I'm tired of playing games. Honestly, I don't think people that are really, truly, and happily in love realize how damn lucky they are. Or the people that have been together for years and fight through their hard times and stay together rather than breaking up because of an argument. That's so special. You all are lucky. I wish all those people the best in their relationship. I try to act like I don't want any that, but man I think everyone wants that deep down. You all know I love myself, but what if I could love someone as much as / more than I love myself? I do love being single and all, but I think I would love being with someone more, especially if it's with the right person. So, I guess I'll just keep sitting back and waiting for that person to come along. Now if you've read this and you're a guy that I've hit with the "I don't want to date" line, I AM SORRY. But at least I told you from the beginning and didn't lead you on. Some girls and guys are just better off as friends and wouldn't you rather have me as a friend than not at all? (Some guys stopped being my friend because of that, which oh well, their loss). I've been friend-zoned by guys, too, it's not the end of the world. You just stop having feelings for them and then you can remain friends. I guess that is easier said than done and it can be harder for some people. Time heals all, though. Also, I guess you could say this post contradicts my last one, but not really. I'm still on my mindset of I'm ok without having a boyfriend / someone to call mine, I just want it, but I definitely do not need it.
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Maddie Lang
Dreamer. Adventurer. Wallflower. Lover. Fighter. Kentuckian / Californian. Finding my purpose in the world. Archives
February 2020
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