I think I should talk about how hard it is to be a customer service representative when you have depression. Customer service is a hard freaking job. It's hard for someone that doesn't have depression and/or anxiety. It takes a toll on you, emotionally draining you. You have to be nice to every single person, no matter what. They can talk bad to you, they can cuss you out, they can call you names, they can yell at you and you just have to sit there and take it. You have to act happy and nice to every single person even after just hanging up the phone with a mean customer. Sometimes, all you want to do is cry because of the things people say to you. Sometimes, you just want to scream and you can't. With depression, there's days where I don't even want to get out of bed, but I have to. I feel bad if I call in sick so I never do. I have to push through it and act happy at work. Sometimes, I just want to cry and I don't know why. Sometimes, I don't want to talk to anyone, I want to be left alone. 5 days a week, 8 hours a day, I have to talk to people, no matter how I'm feeling. If my depression is bad, it doesn't matter, I still have to be at work because I need the money.
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It's been 5 years since I've heard from or seen my father. Five years. I don't even know what he looks like anymore. He doesn't know what I look like. I don't really even know if he's alive or dead. Does he know if I'm alive? If I died, would he come to the funeral? He doesn't know what I've accomplished. He doesn't know who I am, how strong I am, how independent I am. It really makes me sick to my stomach thinking about this stuff which is why I try not to. The five year anniversary of not seeing him passed about two weeks ago and I didn't even think about it until a few days ago, but it hit me hard. Five years, that's a long time. I graduated college, I lived in Europe for 8 months, I got tattoos and piercings, I dyed my hair, I got a dog, I got a full-time job. He doesn't care about me. If he did, he would have reached out. He would have come to see me. He drove to Alabama to see my sister when she left for college after the last words she had said to him were "I hate you". A lot of people ask me what I did to him like it's my fault that he doesn't talk to me or care about me. I followed my dreams and he didn't like that. He's an alcoholic and mentally ill. I thought I'd never speak to him again after he looked me straight in the eyes and said "You're not my daughter anymore" on Christmas Day standing in the cold snow. Honestly, I hoped that would be the last time I spoke or saw him because that was low. I've never been so hurt in my life. My sister and I drove away in tears. Yet, he showed up to my high school graduation a year and a half later. He acted like nothing had happened. He brought the latest girl he had been fucking. He asked me if I wanted to take a road trip to California with him. I politely declined as I had already booked my flight and of course, he was insulted, but I mean, dude, really? The last thing you say to me is that I'm not your daughter anymore and then you expect me to want to drive across the country with you, yeah makes perfect sense. That's when I knew he was really mentally ill. So, that was that. The last time I saw him. The last time I spoke to him. He never called to make sure I made it to California. I did change my phone number, but he could have gotten my new one from my mom. He actually even contacted my mom shortly after my graduation and my 18th birthday to take her to court to make sure he didn't have to pay child support anymore. The last thing I heard about him was that he was telling people that it was my fault, that I betrayed him and I'm the reason why we don't talk. Like I did something wrong. I always loved him. I always cared. Even when I was 10 years old and he was driving me around drunk. Even when I was 13 years old and he verbally abused me. Even when I was 15 years old and he physically abused my dogs so bad that I had to lock my door because I was scared he would hurt me. Even when I was 16 years old and he told me where I was conceived while we were at dinner. Even when I was 17 years old and he told me I wasn't his daughter anymore. Through all the pain, I still loved him. Yet, I do one thing he doesn't want me to do, go to college in California, which had been my dream since I was 11 years old, and he never wants to speak to me again. He stopped caring about me, as if he ever really did. He stopped loving me, which I doubt that he ever did. It's just sad, man. It's fucked my head and my heart up. I've been terrified of love because of him. Thinking if anyone ever did love me, they would just end up leaving me like he did. I hurt people that I loved so that they couldn't hurt me first because that's how scared I was. Luckily, I've come to terms with this and figured out why I was doing what I was, but that doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt. I think it always will. Father's Day is coming up, too. It's always close to my birthday which makes me mad. I delete every single email I get that has to do with Father's Day, I don't even open them. I cross out Father's Day on my calendars. Sometimes, Father's Day falls on my birthday and that's the worst. Everyone is with their father's and being all happy and I'm all sad and alone on my birthday. Social media is probably the worst on that day. It makes me really, really sad seeing the pictures of everyone with their dads. Then if I go out to lunch or dinner, I see these happy families and that really hurts, too. I'll just stay inside all day and not look at my phone. I always text my mom, though, thanking her for being both a mother and a father to me. I'm lucky to have such a great mom. I guess it's only fair that you get one or the other. I should be grateful I even have one because some people have neither. Honestly, I'm grateful for the experiences and pain he put me through because it made me a stronger person.
As I lay in bed alone for what felt like the millionth time this month, a feeling of inadequacy swept over me. I'm constantly wondering if I will ever be enough. Will someone ever be able to love me with all of my flaws, my messy, dark past, the demons that I hide deep within? I just want to give my all to someone, but it's almost as if no one wants it. Will anyone ever be able to accept me and all of my flaws, my imperfections? Accept me for who I am including the good and the bad? There's nothing I want more than to be in love, completely and madly in love. Where the only thing I want is him and the only thing he wants is me. Always on each other's minds. Only wanting to be with each other. I keep falling for people that don't fall for me. Stuck in an endless loop of having my heart broken. Why can't I just find someone to love me as much as I love them? I'm ready to give up. I hate love. I hate having crushes. I hate feelings. I just want to be happy and in love. Is that too much to fucking ask for? I'm so alone and nothing feels like home.
I never hesitate to tell someone exactly how I'm feeling. If I like you, I'm going to tell you. If I love you, I'm going to tell you. I don't care if you don't feel the same way, I don't care if you think it's too soon. I will always be honest about my feelings because I don't want to regret not sharing them. I have nothing to lose when I share my feelings. The worst that happens is you tell me you don't feel the same way. The reason I'm like this is because tomorrow is NEVER promised. You don't know what is going to happen, you don't know if that could be the last time you'll see that person. If you are arguing with the person you love, do not leave. You sit there and work it out until you are back on good terms. Imagine if you walked out on the person you love because you were arguing and that was the last time you saw them. The last words you said to them was something horrible that you didn't mean, but you said them because you were angry. I don't mean to be dark, I'm just being honest. I live every day like it could be my last because like I said, tomorrow is never promised. I try to be kind to everyone I meet because I don't know what is going on in their life, I don't know if this could be their last day on earth. It takes almost no energy to be nice, so why not be nice? In a world that is filled with mental health issues and suicide growing at an alarming rate, we need to look out for each other. Death is inevitable, but we can definitely try to avoid it. So, if you've been thinking about telling the guy or girl you have a crush on them, but you've been to scared to tell them, just do it! The worst that happens is you get turned down. But you'll never know until you try. Maybe they like you back and they've been too scared to tell you, too. Take risks. Live your life to the fullest. Don't overthink. Get a tattoo. Get your nipples pierced. Travel to Europe. Fall in love with a stranger. And always remember to be kind. You only have one life and you don't want to get older and think about all the things you wished you had done. People always wait until it's too late. Don't be that person.
To all the beautiful souls that read my blog, thank you. You don't how much that means to me. I write these pretty much just for my self, but to know there are people out there reading this other than me really makes me smile. Much love to all of you. <3 |
Maddie Lang
Dreamer. Adventurer. Wallflower. Lover. Fighter. Kentuckian / Californian. Finding my purpose in the world. Archives
February 2020
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