I can see how many people view my site everyday, so I see that there are people on here and yet I still have not received any advice....... -___-
Also, it makes me rather sad that I've been out of the country for 5 months and I have only gotten one piece of mail (from my mom). :(
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It's my father's birthday today. The last time I saw him or spoke to him was at my high school graduation over 3 years ago. I've thought about reaching out to him a few times, but I know how it would end - yelling and crying and me being blamed for everything, so I never have. I have a lot of built up pain from the situation with him and I've never really been able to get it out. I think writing a letter might help. It's not that I'm going to send it, it's just for my own pleasure.
Dear dad, Thank you for never being there for me. I mean really, thank you. You not being there taught me how to live an independent life. Thank you for never coming to my school things. Thank you for never helping me with my homework. Thank you for never calling me. Thank you for never writing me. Thank you for never buying me Christmas or birthday gifts. Thank you for making me feel worthless. Thank you for yelling at me until I cried. Thank you for getting two dogs "for me" just so I could watch you throw them down stairs, beat them for waking you up in the middle of the night, and not take care of them. Thank you for bringing a different girl around every weekend. Thank you for caring about college football more than me. Thank you for blaming me for our distance. Thank you for moving 2 hours away just because you couldn't handle being in the same city as my mom. Thank you for confessing your love for my mom to me after 15 years of divorce. Thank you for telling me "I'm not your daughter anymore". Those words will forever be scarred into my mind. They are imprinted into my mind, I will never ever forget the day you told me that. It was Christmas, fucking Christmas. Those words sliced through the cold air and hit me like a truck. Thank you for hurting me. Thank you for being a drunk. I remember being so young and helpless when you used to drive me around in your truck with the windows down and alcohol on your breath. I was just a kid and you could have killed me from your excessive drinking. I was YOUR kid and you put my life at risk every time you drove me somewhere like you couldn't take a break from drinking for a little bit to protect me. I was your fucking daughter and you continuously treated me like a piece of shit for no apparent reason. You made me feel worthless, unloveable, and like there was something terribly wrong with me. You have made me think that every person I love will leave me just like you did. I always think how can someone love me when my own father couldn't even love me? You damaged me, more than you will ever know. I don't know how you even live with yourself. You hurt the one thing in this world that loves you. And for what? So you could prove that you're right? I've spent countless hours trying to figure out what the hell I did wrong. I didn't do anything. I'm not saying I was a perfect daughter, but I wasn't bad. I remember when things were good. We would wrestle and laugh and go on road trips and camp. We used to pick a different place every summer to drive to and camp. We went to Canada and New York and Michigan and Wisconsin and all these amazing places that I can't even bother to think about anymore because they remind me of you. I hate the word parents now because of you. I hate Father's Day. I hate October 26th. I never used to drink in high school because of you. I didn't like what alcohol did to people, more specifically what it did to you. People thought it was weird that I never wanted to drink. I told them it was because my dad was an alcoholic. I'm not sure what changed in me, but now all I want to do is drink to forget about you. How does that make you feel? You won't ever walk your daughter down the aisle because of your choices and decisions. You have caused me a lot of pain, but I thank you for that because without all the pain, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I wish you could see me now. I am so strong and independent. I have so much going for me. I am such a beautiful young woman and you'll never be able to take that away from me. I hope you regret the things you said and did to me. You made me stronger and better. Thank you for never being there, it was the best thing you could have done for me. I don't think I ever mentioned this, but I was chosen to be a blogger for the program I'm studying abroad for which is really rad at all except that they want me to write in like lists or tips or idk just stuff about studying abroad or whatever. I don't really know what to write, anyone have any suggestions? I have absolutely no idea and it's due at the end of the month which is approaching quite fast. Maybe something about homesickness or things you don't expect when studying abroad. Orrrr somethin about somethin, ya know?
ALSO, I bought this blue black hair dye to dye my hair, is it die or dye? I don't know. English is weird. I've been wanting to die my hair a fun color like purple or blue and blue black is a pretty non extreme transition to start with. Also have always wanted to die my hair black so it's like a win win. BUT I am scared because my hair is such a natural beautiful color right now and how is it going to ever look like that again? It's got like natural highlights in it and shit. So idk what to do, should I just go for it??? Maybe I'll just start with the ends and the underneath then go from there. I don't know if I would look with completely black hair, blue black whatever, it's probably not even that blue. I am an indecisive person that needs help with all decisions. About life lately: rather uninteresting. Just normal life stuff. I could give you more detail, but since this is public, better not. I've been eating a lot of sandwiches (this is a How I Met Your Mother reference, if you understand it, bless you and if not, you'll just be rather confused). :) I love being in Europe, but damn I really miss San Diego and I can't wait to be back there. I miss all my friends and I miss smoking out of my bong in my bed and I miss watching Netflix on my awesome TV and I miss spending all day lying on the ground with my pup. It's great being in Spain and I've made some great friends here, we have a lot of fun together. I'm just ready to be home already. I'll have been gone for 8 months and that's so long. I want to be back with all my stuff and my car and all my clothes!! I miss all my clothes lol. I've been wearing the same clothes for 5 months. Only 3 months left, I can't believe it's finally almost here. I need to travel a lot in the next 3 months before I'm not in Europe anymore and can't get cheap flights to different countries. At one of my favorite smoke spots in San Diego with my pretty baby <3
I think I died and came back to life last night. I didn't eat before I started drinking so I set myself up for disaster. I was feeling fine for the whole night, I forgot I was hungry. I smoked a joint before I started drinking, also. I had only two rum and cokes, I think. And two shots of vodka caramel. I was feeling good, ya know, but then I had another rum and coke and I think I drank it a little too fast cause I was fucked up after that. Also, I smoked the rest of my joint in the middle of the night which probably wasn't the best idea. On my way home in the taxi, I was fucked up. I was afraid I would puke in the taxi, luckily I didn't. Once I got home, I died in the bathroom. Thank god my roommate came home and saved me. She got me water and rubbed my back then helped me up to my room. If she hadn't come home when she did, I probably wouldn't have been able to leave the bathroom. I feel 100x better now, I ate some chicken nuggets and drank like a liter of water. Ready to go out again. Just kidding, it's Sunday. I met this really awesome girl, we're super close already. She's so similar to me, I love her. We're a dangerous / deadly combination. I'm excited to have a fun girl friend. :))))) Life is good, but then again, when is it not?
I don't know if it's just me having been raised with a bit of southern hospitality or what, but I swear the people here are hella rude. It's like they just weren't taught manners or anything about being nice to strangers. I've had so many people bump into me and it's just like a little nudge, it's like a full on shoulder push. Me being the little person I am does not take kindly to this. Maybe it's different for bigger people that can keep themselves standing or take a good hit, but when someone bumps into me, it's really frustrating. I'm a small person and this girl rammed straight into me today like hit me hard on one side of my body. Then she said something in Spanish, but I couldn't really hear her because I had headphones on and she said it in Spanish. I know she definitely didn't say sorry. When people in the states bump into each other, they almost always apologize. I had an old French man apologize for bumping into me this weekend in Granada and I didn't even notice he had bumped into me. Is it a Spanish thing? Whenever I'm out at night at the bars and stuff too, people always run straight into me. It's literally like I'm invisible to them, they just walk into me and end up knocking me off my feet. I'm like WHAT THE FUCK? They do it so casually too!! Never say sorry or excuse me. It's so easy to just be like oh excuse me and I can fucking move out of your way. The next person that bumps into me is gonna get it. Also, people just let their dogs shit on the street here which just like isn't acceptable in the states. No one does that. It's kind of ok to leave your dog's shit if it's in the grass and if you don't have a bag, but if it's shitting on the sidewalk, pick it the fuck up. It's like these people were raised by fucking wolves. WHERE ARE THE MANNERS? Do they even have manners????
Where have I been? Classes started 2 weeks ago. Like actual real classes at the university. I was sick the first week of school with a cold, but I got over it quickly with the help of some medicine from the pharmacy. I was very, very lost the first week of school. The classes are difficult. I mean, you can imagine that they would be difficult since I'm not a native Spanish speaker and all of my classes are in Spanish. The professors talk fast and when I'm trying to translate what they've said, they're already onto another completely different topic. So, it's been a little hard especially when trying to take notes. I'm just lost. Luckily, there's not really homework, just lectures. At least I don't think there is homework.... Everything is online in this thing called AulaVirtual, but I don't have anything on mine yet because I haven't registered for my classes. Maybe there is homework and I just don't know about it. School has just been one confusing shit show the past 2 weeks. I don't think my Spanish is improving at all from the classes. I just sit there lost and try not to fall asleep. I went out like every day last week. Tuesday night because we didn't have classes on Wednesday. Wednesday night because I don't know, why not? Thursday night because fuck it, it's Thursday. On Friday morning, I went to Granada with the Erasmus group here. It was all international students on the trip, I think there were like 150 of us or something. We took 2 buses to Granada, it took like 3 hours. I was super fucking tired because I had only gotten like 1 hour of sleep the night before. We visited La Alhambra after we checked into our hostel. Our hostel (pictured here to the right -->) was pretty nice for a hostel besides the fact that 20 people had to share the same bathroom. La Alhambra was absolutely beautiful, but we had to walk up a huge ass hill which was dreadful because I'm hella out of shape. Then we walked around the place for like 3 hours or some shit and my feet were hurting and I was still tired as shit. By the end of it we were all ready to leave. These are all pictures from La Alhambra, very beautiful place. If you ever travel to Granada, this is a must see. But you need to buy your tickets in advance! They have over 8,000 visitors a day!! After we finished visiting La Alhambra, we had free time until the party that night. Instead of being lame and napping, I went to get tapas and drinks with a group of like 14 people. The place we went to was kind of expensive and I wanted real food like actual dinner, not just tapas. Me and a few other people decided to leave to find some place less expensive and with more things than just tapas. We thought the girls leading us knew where they were going and that we weren't just wandering around. It turned out they were just looking for another tapas place so I don't understand why the fuck we left in the first place. I also thought they had a place in mind, but they were actually just walking until they found something even though we had walked past like 50 places. I started to get really fucking annoyed because when I'm hungry, I get angry. It's called being hangry. So I kind of yelled at one of the girls because they weren't responding to me and my friend. Then she asked me to speak Spanish and I'm like I don't fucking feel like speaking Spanish right now, I'm hungry and tired of walking. We left and found something by ourselves. Then I felt kinda bad because my friend told me she doesn't really speak English.... oops. I apologized to her the next day though and she was really happy that I did. That night we went to a club/bar. It was alright. We were all really tired though. I had a rum and coke that took me forever to drink because it was kind of strong. I had a couple of shots too. Smoked a joint, then walked back to the hostel. We slept in until about 1 pm the next day because we had a free morning until 3:30. We walked around the city for a while and ate food then we went on a walking tour with the group to a very beautiful viewpoint. This is La Alhambra (from afar). The picture really doesn't do it justice. I think I took some on my GoPro, but I haven't uploaded any of those to my computer yet. And here's the city. Once I put my GoPro stuff on my computer, I'll see if I can find a picture that has the whole view in it. We hung out at the spot for a little bit. Got a drink that I forget the name of, but it was just white wine and sprite. Rebujito, I just looked it up haha. It's a common Spanish drink. Aftr that we walked back to the hostel and laid down for a bit until the Flamenco show we were going to later. The Flamenco show was really cool. I have some videos, but I can't post videos here unless I put them on YouTube first or pay for the upgraded Weebly. After Flamenco, we had another party. We had to take a bus because it was 30 minutes walking. I got two rum and cokes there, it costs 10 euros which is a little much, but I didn't mind because they filled more than half the cup with rum. We stayed there until around 4 because that's when the bus was coming back and there was no one I was gonna walk. Smoked a joint with a friend then fell asleep like a fucking baby. Unfortunately, I had to wake up at 10 am to check out of the hostel. We had the whole day free which kind of sucked because we were all exhausted. We walked around for a while, got food, walked some more. Saw the Cathedral, tried to go to a Botanic Garden but it was closed. There is a lot of Arabian influence in Granada. We were tired of walking eventually, so we went to a restaurant to get a drink then ended up smoking hookah and sitting there for like 2 hours until it was time to go. Finally we got on the bus and I fell asleep for a while then we played an odd game and we arrived back to Murcia around 10:30. I was so tired, but I had to shower and make my bed and then I ended up watching Netflix for some reason. I slept until about 12 the next day though and totally missed my first class.
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Maddie Lang
Dreamer. Adventurer. Wallflower. Lover. Fighter. Kentuckian / Californian. Finding my purpose in the world. Archives
February 2020
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