Wow, I haven't written in so long. It's to the point that this feels unfamiliar to me. I don't like it when I let myself go this long without writing. I have always used writing as an outlet, a way to cope with trauma and pain. As I have gotten older, I have started using alcohol to cope with my pain which is not realistic because it just makes the pain go away for a little bit, it's a temporary solution. It's almost September, three months until it's a new year. So much has happened in my life that I have just let pass me by, rather than sitting down and thinking about it. I think that is probably why I have been so sad lately.. I haven't been letting myself heal and grow from my pain, I've just been wallowing in it.
I wrote something about this on my Instagram, but didn't really share exactly what it was. You would only know if you know me well. I think now that it has almost been a full year since it happened, I should sit down and write about it. *I will be using initials of everyone's names to keep this somewhat confidential for those that are brought up in this story.* On September 28, 2018, I received quite possibly the worst news in my life. My one year old goddaughter died, tragically and unexpectedly. I still remember the day like it was yesterday. It was a busier than normal Friday at work because of a site issue, so I was a little stressed. My co-worker (A) that sits behind me was the only one in the office with me at the time. She got a call that was from Kentucky which we both thought was cool. As she was on that call, I got a phone call, so I wasn't really listening to her side of the conversation. Once she got off the phone, my mom called my cellphone, but I was still on a call. My call finally ended and I went to call my mom back, but before I could do that, A stops me and says, go in the conference room and sit down. I was really confused by this, but as soon as my mom answered the phone, I understood. She was in tears and could barely even get the words out. Immediately, I asked if her and my sister were ok, she said yes, we are fine, but it was about my goddaughter, K. She told me what happened, that she was gone... I couldn't believe it. I was in tears, barely able to breath. Luckily, A stayed by my side while I was talking to my mom and even brought me a box of tissues. I still had about two hours left in my work shift for the day and a lot of work to do. I decided to stay at work because I thought it might help distract me, but I could barely keep myself from constantly crying. A texted my boss and told him what happened, so he sent me home. I was in tears the entire drive home. I'm in tears right now writing this. I called my best friend (B) and asked her if she could just come be with me and of course, she said yes. I called my other best friend in Kentucky and told her what happened, I was sobbing on the phone talking to her. My world felt like it was crashing down on me. I finally got home and not much longer, B got there. I had calmed down a bit and just talked to her about it which made me feel a little better. I was just so confused as to how and why this could have happened. I was angry. I was sad. I was hurt. I was devastated. I was lost. It's been almost 11 months since that day. It's gotten a little easier, but it still hurts just as much as it did then. I will never stop missing her. I will never stop thinking about her. I will never stop wishing she was here. I just wish I could have spent more time with her when she was here. I wish I could watch her grow up. She was my baby, almost a mini-me. I say a mini-me because it's my cousin's daughter and we have a weird family thing where we have the same family on both our mom and dads side. (My mom's brother married my dad's sister... yeah, some weird Kentucky shit. I call him my double cousin). Every 28th of the month this year has been hard. Somehow, I always end up having a bad day and then I look at the date and it all makes sense. This was a very traumatic event for me and I really didn't know how to cope with it. I've always had my anti-depressants to help me through the pain and the PTSD, but I've been off of my medication since October 2017. I've had to learn how to deal with loss on my own, without the medication which has not been fun. My heart is still so broken and there's this empty space in it that I don't think I'll ever be able to fill, but I can try. I will always continue to try and that's what matters. K may not be here physically, but I know she is always with me spiritually, and I want to be strong for her. Not that she could read yet, but maybe heaven exists and maybe she learned how to read there, so K, I love you and I miss you and you will forever be in my thoughts. I just took a deep breath and I feel... content? It feels good to have written this down. It feels like maybe my heart isn't so empty now. This is why I love writing, it helps me cope with my pain. When I was living in Europe, I had a really traumatic event happen to me there and I remember writing it all down in my journal and feeling like a weight had been lifted from my chest. I was on anti-depressants then, so it was a little easier to deal with, but writing helped me. I could leave this as a draft and not post it, but I want to share it because I know we all go through similar situations in life. We all experience pain in different ways, whether it be losing a loved one or getting our heart broken, it all hurts the same. I don't like to hide the dark parts of myself. I will always be open about my life and the events that happen in it. I think we all should be because there is almost always someone that can relate to what you are going through. It's usually a lot easier to talk to someone when you know they have been through something similar to what you have been through.
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Maddie Lang
Dreamer. Adventurer. Wallflower. Lover. Fighter. Kentuckian / Californian. Finding my purpose in the world. Archives
February 2020
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