Approximately one million people commit suicide each year worldwide, about one death every 40 seconds or 3,000 a day. For each person that takes their own life, at least 20 attempt to. In 2015, suicide the second leading cause of death for people aged 15 to 24 and the third leading cause of death for people aged 10 to 14. Can you imagine being 10 years old and be so depressed that you wanted to take your own life? Some of these children are believed to have taken their lives because of bullying. A friend of mine's daughter committed suicide at age 15 because of bullying. These cases are never talked about. We only pay attention to suicide when it's someone famous. We only talk about depression and self harm when a famous person is depressed or self harming themselves. There is a fear in people that causes them to not want to speak out about what they are going through. Afraid someone will judge them, afraid no one will care, afraid they'll get a negative reaction from their loved ones. It takes a lot for someone suffering from a mental illness like depression, self harm, or suicidal thoughts to speak up about it, so when they do and they get a negative reaction to it, it makes them never want to talk about it again. I self harmed for years, I was depressed, I had suicidal thoughts all the time. I was scared to tell anyone. I didn't know how they would react. I was afraid they'd judge me rather than help me. I got lucky, my mom was there for me, my friends were there for me, even my father was there for me (and that's rare). Some people aren't as lucky as I am. Their parents and/or their friends don't understand and sometimes they end up making it worse. We need to be there for people when they reach out, when they ask for help. I never asked for help, but I got help because someone noticed and said something. They saw the burns on my wrists and knew something wasn't right. Imagine all the people we could help if we were more open about this topic. Imagine how many lives we could save. I know I bring this topic up a lot, but that's because I think if I'm open about it, I will encourage other people to be open about it, too. I want to help. I don't want people to be afraid to talk to me. I want us to talk about these things more. No one should have to suffer alone. I did for a long time and it only made things worse. I've been self harm free for about 4 or 5 years. I have been off my anti-depressants for 7 months. I can't even remember the last time I had a suicidal thought. I made it out alive and I want other people to, too. I've said it before, but I'll say it again. Be f**king kind to one another. You don't know what anyone is going through, what they're suffering from, what kind of demons they've got holding them back. And if you're the kind of person that makes fun of a homeless person when they talk to themselves, please unfollow me and go think about your life decisions. A lot of those people are mentally ill and maybe they're mentally ill because they did too many drugs, but that doesn't matter. You shouldn't be making fun of them, calling them names, or laughing in their faces. And I know some of them think they're living the life, which is fine, let them, but you still don't need to make fun of them. I see this happen so often and it drives me nuts. How would you feel if you had a mental illness, but you couldn't afford help and you had no family, so you were forced to leave on the streets? Not very good, and probably even worse if you watched people make fun of you all day. This world is so cruel and it's not easy to live with the tragedy we've all been through. The least we can do is be kind to one another. Help someone when they need it. Be that shoulder they can cry on. Lay in bed with them all day because they're too depressed to get out of it. Be a friend. And never, ever judge them. I used to be a very judgmental person when I was a teenager and I hate myself for it. I still find myself being a little judgey at times, but I have never and will never judge someone for how they deal with their pain. "I kissed the scars on her skin. I still think you're beautiful and I don't ever want to lose my best friend".
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I keep starting a new post and then losing my train of thought and abandoning it. I really need to make my writing and this blog a priority. If writing is something I love doing, I should never be too busy to sit down and write. It is hard for me to process my thoughts into understandable sentences, though. The least I can do is try. Even if my writing is rambled thoughts that don't flow, at least I'm writing.
I've been troubled by my emotions lately. Part of me hates dating and wants nothing to do with it. I have turned down multiple guys because "I don't want to date and I don't want a boyfriend". I think I use that excuse as a nice way of turning them down. There are definitely people I want to date and that I would like to explore my options with, but those are the ones who aren't interested in me in that way. Funny how that works, isn't it? There is the other part of me that just wants to find my person. That person I can be completely myself with and be a complete freaking weirdo with. Someone that is there for me when I need them. Don't get me wrong, I have girl friends that I know would be there, but that's just not quite the same. I want to fall in love and I want someone to fall in love with me. This is my hopeless romantic side coming out. It's taken me a long time to accept myself and love myself for who I am. I beat myself up for a long time because of how I'd treated past boyfriends. I've spent the last ~2 years working on myself, getting to the root of my problems, figuring out what I did wrong, and how I can do better in the future. I'm finally ready to love someone again, to open up and be honest about my feelings. I want that real shit. I'm tired of playing games. Honestly, I don't think people that are really, truly, and happily in love realize how damn lucky they are. Or the people that have been together for years and fight through their hard times and stay together rather than breaking up because of an argument. That's so special. You all are lucky. I wish all those people the best in their relationship. I try to act like I don't want any that, but man I think everyone wants that deep down. You all know I love myself, but what if I could love someone as much as / more than I love myself? I do love being single and all, but I think I would love being with someone more, especially if it's with the right person. So, I guess I'll just keep sitting back and waiting for that person to come along. Now if you've read this and you're a guy that I've hit with the "I don't want to date" line, I AM SORRY. But at least I told you from the beginning and didn't lead you on. Some girls and guys are just better off as friends and wouldn't you rather have me as a friend than not at all? (Some guys stopped being my friend because of that, which oh well, their loss). I've been friend-zoned by guys, too, it's not the end of the world. You just stop having feelings for them and then you can remain friends. I guess that is easier said than done and it can be harder for some people. Time heals all, though. Also, I guess you could say this post contradicts my last one, but not really. I'm still on my mindset of I'm ok without having a boyfriend / someone to call mine, I just want it, but I definitely do not need it. |
Maddie Lang
Dreamer. Adventurer. Wallflower. Lover. Fighter. Kentuckian / Californian. Finding my purpose in the world. Archives
February 2020
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