It's my father's birthday today. The last time I saw him or spoke to him was at my high school graduation over 3 years ago. I've thought about reaching out to him a few times, but I know how it would end - yelling and crying and me being blamed for everything, so I never have. I have a lot of built up pain from the situation with him and I've never really been able to get it out. I think writing a letter might help. It's not that I'm going to send it, it's just for my own pleasure.
Dear dad, Thank you for never being there for me. I mean really, thank you. You not being there taught me how to live an independent life. Thank you for never coming to my school things. Thank you for never helping me with my homework. Thank you for never calling me. Thank you for never writing me. Thank you for never buying me Christmas or birthday gifts. Thank you for making me feel worthless. Thank you for yelling at me until I cried. Thank you for getting two dogs "for me" just so I could watch you throw them down stairs, beat them for waking you up in the middle of the night, and not take care of them. Thank you for bringing a different girl around every weekend. Thank you for caring about college football more than me. Thank you for blaming me for our distance. Thank you for moving 2 hours away just because you couldn't handle being in the same city as my mom. Thank you for confessing your love for my mom to me after 15 years of divorce. Thank you for telling me "I'm not your daughter anymore". Those words will forever be scarred into my mind. They are imprinted into my mind, I will never ever forget the day you told me that. It was Christmas, fucking Christmas. Those words sliced through the cold air and hit me like a truck. Thank you for hurting me. Thank you for being a drunk. I remember being so young and helpless when you used to drive me around in your truck with the windows down and alcohol on your breath. I was just a kid and you could have killed me from your excessive drinking. I was YOUR kid and you put my life at risk every time you drove me somewhere like you couldn't take a break from drinking for a little bit to protect me. I was your fucking daughter and you continuously treated me like a piece of shit for no apparent reason. You made me feel worthless, unloveable, and like there was something terribly wrong with me. You have made me think that every person I love will leave me just like you did. I always think how can someone love me when my own father couldn't even love me? You damaged me, more than you will ever know. I don't know how you even live with yourself. You hurt the one thing in this world that loves you. And for what? So you could prove that you're right? I've spent countless hours trying to figure out what the hell I did wrong. I didn't do anything. I'm not saying I was a perfect daughter, but I wasn't bad. I remember when things were good. We would wrestle and laugh and go on road trips and camp. We used to pick a different place every summer to drive to and camp. We went to Canada and New York and Michigan and Wisconsin and all these amazing places that I can't even bother to think about anymore because they remind me of you. I hate the word parents now because of you. I hate Father's Day. I hate October 26th. I never used to drink in high school because of you. I didn't like what alcohol did to people, more specifically what it did to you. People thought it was weird that I never wanted to drink. I told them it was because my dad was an alcoholic. I'm not sure what changed in me, but now all I want to do is drink to forget about you. How does that make you feel? You won't ever walk your daughter down the aisle because of your choices and decisions. You have caused me a lot of pain, but I thank you for that because without all the pain, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I wish you could see me now. I am so strong and independent. I have so much going for me. I am such a beautiful young woman and you'll never be able to take that away from me. I hope you regret the things you said and did to me. You made me stronger and better. Thank you for never being there, it was the best thing you could have done for me.
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Maddie Lang
Dreamer. Adventurer. Wallflower. Lover. Fighter. Kentuckian / Californian. Finding my purpose in the world. Archives
February 2020
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