It seems like I attract people and then shortly after, I'm scaring them off. I am very lovable, but I am also very toxic. I use my sweet, persuasive ways to draw people in to the point that they love me unconditionally and I can do fucked up things, but they'll forgive me because they love me. Maybe it's because I got away with so much as a teenager and I said such horrible things without really having consequences. My mom still loved me, no matter what, no matter how terrible I was towards her. Now as an adult, am I doing that same thing? I know I'm loved, so loved that it makes the people that love me not want to leave me. Am I taking advantage of their love in a way? I don't think so, but maybe I am. I just get sad and I get angry and annoyed because life doesn't always work out in my favor and when it doesn't, I throw myself a pity party. I want things the way I want them and when I don't get that, I get upset. I'm very particular about certain things, especially about the things that I've worked hard for. I was the youngest growing up, so I got babied. I got my way and if I didn't, I cried until I did. It worked because maybe my mom was weak and she just couldn't take the crying any longer. News flash Maddie: it doesn't work that way when you're an adult. I'm not used to being told no. I'm not used to not getting my way. I'm not used to not coming first in someone's life. I am flawed. But aren't we all? Maybe I'm just not so good at hiding my flaws. Sometimes, I'm scared of myself, scared of the person I can be at times. I used to be carefree, loving, always smiling. I'm not sure at what point this changed, maybe it was after I got hurt for the 10th time by someone I loved and trusted. Maybe it was after one of my best friends was shot and put in the hospital for months and another one of them killed. Maybe it was after I got sexually assaulted in a foreign country by someone I had considered a friend. Maybe it was after I lost my first family member. Maybe it was after I lost one of the most important people in my life, my goddaughter. Maybe it was a combination of all of these things and losing my goddaughter was the tipping point for me. I've been angry since that, I know that. So angry at the world for taking a baby out of this world. Why her? Why my family? I ask that question a lot, why? I just want to know why, I wish I could ask god or whoever is up there deciding who lives and who dies - WHY? I know I need to get over it, it's been over a year, but this was the most tragic thing that could have ever happened to me. Worse than all the other bad things that have happened in my life. I want to be that happy Maddie again, I want to be that girl that always smiling, I want to be that strong girl that doesn't let all the shit that the world throws at her bring her down. I want to be the person I used to be. I want to be someone people look up to. I used to be. Now I'm just this angry, selfish bitch that no one wants to be around, pushing away the people that love me because they're not doing exactly what I want them to do.
Let this be a note to myself: - Suck it the fuck up - Smile more - Laugh more - Care less - Breathe when you're frustrated - Think before you speak - Love harder and better - Speak your mind but only if it's in a positive manner - Be grateful for all that life has given you If you don't, you're going to be alone because no one will put up with all the bullshit that you dish out.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Maddie Lang
Dreamer. Adventurer. Wallflower. Lover. Fighter. Kentuckian / Californian. Finding my purpose in the world. Archives
February 2020
Categories |