I keep starting a new post and then losing my train of thought and abandoning it. I really need to make my writing and this blog a priority. If writing is something I love doing, I should never be too busy to sit down and write. It is hard for me to process my thoughts into understandable sentences, though. The least I can do is try. Even if my writing is rambled thoughts that don't flow, at least I'm writing.
I've been troubled by my emotions lately. Part of me hates dating and wants nothing to do with it. I have turned down multiple guys because "I don't want to date and I don't want a boyfriend". I think I use that excuse as a nice way of turning them down. There are definitely people I want to date and that I would like to explore my options with, but those are the ones who aren't interested in me in that way. Funny how that works, isn't it? There is the other part of me that just wants to find my person. That person I can be completely myself with and be a complete freaking weirdo with. Someone that is there for me when I need them. Don't get me wrong, I have girl friends that I know would be there, but that's just not quite the same. I want to fall in love and I want someone to fall in love with me. This is my hopeless romantic side coming out. It's taken me a long time to accept myself and love myself for who I am. I beat myself up for a long time because of how I'd treated past boyfriends. I've spent the last ~2 years working on myself, getting to the root of my problems, figuring out what I did wrong, and how I can do better in the future. I'm finally ready to love someone again, to open up and be honest about my feelings. I want that real shit. I'm tired of playing games. Honestly, I don't think people that are really, truly, and happily in love realize how damn lucky they are. Or the people that have been together for years and fight through their hard times and stay together rather than breaking up because of an argument. That's so special. You all are lucky. I wish all those people the best in their relationship. I try to act like I don't want any that, but man I think everyone wants that deep down. You all know I love myself, but what if I could love someone as much as / more than I love myself? I do love being single and all, but I think I would love being with someone more, especially if it's with the right person. So, I guess I'll just keep sitting back and waiting for that person to come along. Now if you've read this and you're a guy that I've hit with the "I don't want to date" line, I AM SORRY. But at least I told you from the beginning and didn't lead you on. Some girls and guys are just better off as friends and wouldn't you rather have me as a friend than not at all? (Some guys stopped being my friend because of that, which oh well, their loss). I've been friend-zoned by guys, too, it's not the end of the world. You just stop having feelings for them and then you can remain friends. I guess that is easier said than done and it can be harder for some people. Time heals all, though. Also, I guess you could say this post contradicts my last one, but not really. I'm still on my mindset of I'm ok without having a boyfriend / someone to call mine, I just want it, but I definitely do not need it.
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Don't fall in love with people. Fall in love with life. Fall in love with the beauty this world has to offer. Fall in love with music. Fall in love with yourself. People can hurt you, this world never will. I've been feeling a little down lately because I don't have "my person", I'm not in love and no one is in love with me. I keep getting really jealous of the couples I see, almost angry that I don't have that. However, I had a realization - I don't need any of that, I do not need anyone to love me, I do not need anyone to make me feel special or beautiful. I love myself. I've fallen so in love with myself and this life that I've built for myself that it might not even be possible for me to fall in love with someone else (unless it's right person, of course). I know I am beautiful, I don't need a silly boy to tell me that. I know my worth. I have a freaking tattoo that says "love yourself so no one has to". I almost forgot to do that. Sometimes, I just need to take a step back and realize how much happiness I have on my own because I know to never let my happiness depend on something I could lose. It only gets hard when I need someone to be there for me and there isn't anyone. I've always known that I'll only ever have myself, though. It takes a bit of moping around before I get to the point of - what am I doing? I'm fine. Maybe I want love and someone to call mine, but I don't need it and that's important. It'd be nice to have someone to always have ___ with, but I guess technically I can do that myself and I don't necessarily need that. I get a little sad at times because I don't have many friends here, but that's because I cut the negative people out of my life. The people that weren't celebrating my accomplishments with me, yet bashing me for "doing better than them". I am allowed to terminate toxic relationships. I am allowed to walk away from people who hurt me. And I don't owe an explanation to anyone for taking care of myself.
A note to the all the people that ever doubted me, bullied me, talked bad about me when they called me "a friend", hurt me (physically or emotionally), told me I was worthless: You are the people that made me who I am today: strong, independent, smart, kind, wise, and loving. I thank you. I don't wish any bad upon you. I hope you live your life as best as you can. It may be a little hard to do that considering you probably have some insecurities and mental problems for making someone feel the way you made me feel. But, hey we all have our problems. You chose to take yours out on me. We all cope with things in different ways. This is my way - writing. It used to be self-harming myself, but I realized I was better than that. I will never apologize for how I chose to repair what you broke. Sometimes I get caught up on the negative things happening in my life, ignoring the positive things. It's a bad habit, and a hard one to break. I always try to keep a positive mindset and look for the good in a bad situation. There are days when I can't help but smile because of how lucky I am to be where I am in life. It still shocks me to this day (almost 5 years later) that I am living my dreams. I live in California, where I've wanted to live since I was 11 years old and visited for the first time. I'm alive, I am healthy, I am happy, I live in a beautiful apartment with the most loving and beautiful dog in the world in the one of the best cities in the world. I may not have exactly everything I want, but I have a lot. I look around at my surroundings and smile so big because I did it. I made my dreams come true. Now, I'm ready to make even more come true. It doesn't stop at just living in California and graduating college. I'm onto the next step. I don't really know what that is, but I'll figure that out on the way. I'm so happy to be breathing in this beautiful world. I never thought I'd make it this far, I never pictured myself capable of being this happy and loving myself as much as I do. It took me a long time to get here, but I am so damn glad I did. I'm really proud of myself for not giving up when I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. Life threw me a lot of punches, but I always picked myself back up and I will continue to do so. Nothing can stop me. No one can bring me down. I hope I can inspire others to follow their dreams and not give up. Life is too beautiful to give up and I'm reminded of that every day. I'm so grateful that I didn't kill myself that day. Thank you to everyone who has loved me and supported me through my journey. Thank you to all the people that helped me in my darkest times. For now, you get to see me in my brightest times and I think it's only going to up from here. <3
Have you ever met someone and instantly felt like they were meant to be in your life? This has only happened to me a couple times and when it does, it always throws me off. It's a beautiful feeling really, but also a scary one. It's comforting finding someone you instantly click with, but then terrifying because what happens when something goes wrong and you lose this person that you so badly want in your life, that you have possibly been waiting for for years. Maybe that's part of the beauty though. You got to have your time with them and that's all that really matters. At least you got to meet them and you had the time together that you did. And if they're really meant to be in your life, you will cross paths again at some point in life. Maybe months from then, maybe years. They will always hold a special place in your heart, though. You'll never forget how it felt when you first met them, you'll never forget the memories you shared. If and/or when you're reunited, it will be just as amazing as the first time you met. I think everything happens for a reason and if someone is meant to be in my life, they will be. It doesn't matter if we go months or years without seeing each other, there will always be a connection. I've always been a lover, not a fighter. I love hard and when I say I'll never stop loving you, I mean it. Maybe it's not the same kind of love as it was in the beginning, but there will always be love. I fall in love with a lot of people I meet. Rather they are female or male, young or old, black or white, human or animal. I love meeting people, I love getting to know them, I love listening to them talk, I love hearing their stories, I love watching them. There is so much love to be spread in this world. I'm just trying to help spread it or something. I don't know what I'm doing. This post went in a weird direction.
Once upon a time, I read this quote that went something like "everyone says love hurts, love doesn't hurt. Pain, rejection, lying, cheating hurts". There was more to it. I don't remember it all, but you get the gist. Love doesn't hurt, love is never supposed to hurt. What hurts is being lied to, being cheated on, being rejected, being lonely, etc. Ok, don't worry, I found the quote. "Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt." - Mesa Selimovic Great quote. One of my favorites. I found that in high school when I was like "f*** love". Then I read it and man did it open my eyes. It's so true and so well said. I think a lot of people are afraid to love because they associate it with pain. I know I was for a very long time. Love is such a beautiful feeling though. Falling in love, being in love. Going on first dates, sharing your first kiss with someone you've got a crush on. There is really nothing like it in this world. It's funny that I made this post right before Valentine's Day, I really did not mean for this to be about love. I was just trying to express the feeling of meeting someone that feels like they belong in your life. Which I guess could be associated with love. Well, now it is. MY WRITING IS RUSTY, I'M SORRY. SPREAD THE LOVE. Not only on Valentine's Day, EVERY DAY! Maybe a little more than usual on Valentine's Day, because who doesn't love a little extra love?! (I know I do!) But it's even more special when you show that kind of love on a day that isn't Valentine's Day. Honestly though, if you love someone and I mean really, really love them, make sure you tell them every day because tomorrow is NEVER promised. (RIP Eston "Slim" Graver). <3 Time moves so fast, man. It's actually such an interesting thing. Now that I work a Monday - Friday job, every day goes by sooo slow, but then the week goes by fast. How does that make sense? And the weekend, oh don't even get me started on the weekend. Two days have never gone by more quickly!! It's every weekend too, it's just like boom, weekend, and then oh wait it's over already. I'm mad at myself because I don't think I took enough advantage of my schedule during college. To be able to sleep in, to have days off in the middle of the week because class was cancelled or I was just like "eh, screw class today". To be able to do whatever you wanted to during the day (in between classes, that is). To have A 3 DAY WEEKEND. Omg what I would give to have my three day weekends back!! To have Thursday night, Friday night, and Saturday night to go out. To be able to sleep in on Friday, Saturday, AND Sunday. I got so used to 3 day weekend, it was my normal. This 5 days of work, 2 days of play thing is not fun. I do not approve. I work so hard at my job and for what? To not be paid enough. To be living from paycheck to paycheck. To be struggling to pay my rent every month. They tell you to go to college, they tell you you'll get a higher paying job with a college degree. They forget to mention that you should probably work your ass off in college so that you have experience when you get out. Without experience, your degree is about as useless as (something that's really useless... I've been sitting here for 20 minutes trying to think of a good simile). IT'S ALL LIES. I mean I guess at least I'm making more than minimum wage, but dang, it's rough out here. Rent just keeps increasing in price too. The rich keep getting richer and the poor keep getting poorer. If / when I become rich, I'm going to help the poor as much as I can. Mark my words.
I am my own worst enemy when it comes to sitting down and taking the time to write. I make excuses such as, "I don't have time", "I'm too busy", "I have nothing to write about".I should always make time for something I enjoy. I'm never too busy, that's such a sad excuse. There's always something to write about, it may not be the most interesting subject, but there is always something to write about. I am really disappointed in myself for not being consistent. I was doing so well in Europe, I was writing almost every day. Maybe it was the fact that I had literally nothing to do, but sight see, people watch, and take time to focus on myself. I came back to America and lost my sense of freedom. How ironic because this is "the land of the free". Well, it certainly does not seem that way after recent events, but that is a topic for another day. As the New Year approaches, I find myself reflecting on the past year, as many of us do. There have been many devastating events in the United States and I have a lot of feelings about this, but I feel fearful in writing about them because you never know who will read them. It's usually best to keep quiet when it concerns the country as a whole or the government. I would not want anything I say to come back and haunt me in the future. So, I will continue to only write about my life and what is happening in it. I wish I had kept this updated. I wish I hadn't been so lazy. I wish I hadn't made so many excuses to not write. It's never too late to make up for it though. It's almost a New Year and with that I have an opportunity to change for the better. I always say I want to focus on myself and I do, but probably not enough. Obviously, not enough, because I barely ever sit down and write anymore and man do I love writing. It's such an easy escape. It is an outlet. This year was a bit of a difficult one for me. I want to break this down into each month. I'm going to make a post for each month. This may take me a while, but I'm going to start now and see where that takes me. As for anyone that actually has been looking at this and waiting for me to post again, I appreciate you. And even if no one is looking at this and no one actually takes the time to read what I write, I don't care. This blog is for me. This blog is for anyone that wants to read it. I'm not asking you to read it, but if you want to, it's here. It's a little peak into my life and maybe there is some useful information for you within that. You'll have to read to figure that out though.
Birthday month, AYO. I love birthdays. I think they are awesome. It's that one day of the year where you can be like "HEY IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, I CAN DO WHAT I WANT!!!". And everyone gets a little annoyed of you by the end of it because you're just like exploiting your day of birth. I get jealous of people on their birthdays too, I'm like dang I wish it was my birthday or like man I wish I had friends that did this kind of stuff for me on my birthday. I always end up getting way too excited for my birthday and expecting so much and then I'm always disappointed. Well, that's not necessarily true. I have had some really amazing birthdays that were totally unexpected. One year, my 15th birthday, my best friends kidnapped and blindfolded me and threw me an epic surprise party. It was all my best friends in one room celebrating me!! It was amazing. They made me a cake. They decorated. They got goldfish because I love goldfish. We had a sleepover and I will never forget that moment of walking down the stairs with a blindfold over my face, having no idea what was happening and then taking off my blindfold and seeing all my best friends standing around yelling happy birthday. Ahh, good times. Last year's birthday, my 21st, another one for the books. I think I wrote about it, and if I didn't, there's a vlog about it on my stupid Youtube channel that only has two videos :). This year's birthday was pretty epic. I re-celebrated my 21st. I called it my twenty-firs-second. (Because I was in Europe for my 21st and it wasn't as exciting as they make it in America). I made all my friends pretend like it was my 21st again and I even wore the 21st birthday banner and tiara. My best friend from Kentucky was there for it which was AWESOME. I love her more than I love cheese (and that's a lot).
I had blue and pink hair this month, I felt a little bit like Harley Quinn. It was actually accidental, it was supposed to be purple fading into pink, which you kind of see in that third picture. I really liked those colors. Probably one of my favorites. At the beginning of June, I celebrated one of my best friend's birthdays. We went to Temecula and she rented this sweet house with a pool and she made everyone champagne glitter bottles because she is the cutest. We went to a winery out there, drank wine and ate cheese. The only pic from this is the one of the bottles, don't want to post pictures of people without asking. That day was amazing and I'm so glad my friend had an excellent birthday because she more than deserved it! The second through fifth pictures are from when my best friend from Kentucky was visiting me! My step Aunt let us go hang out at her freaking mansion in OC because she's selling it :'(. I wanted to let my best friend see it and I wanted to see it one more time before it sold. She let us go by ourselves because they weren't living there anymore. We just hung out at the pool for a few hours and toured the house. It was even more amazing than it usually was because we were there alone and could do whatever we wanted. We went in their master bedroom because I'd never been in there and we got in their shower because it was so freaking dope. I love that house. I want to live in it. I'm like can you all just give it to me? Please. Or keep it until I'm rich enough to buy it. Or give me a really good discount, monthly rent at a huge discount, ya know? I'm glad my best friend got to see it, it's a dream house. We met up with my step Aunt at her other house after chilling at her mansion and she took us on a boat ride! That was rad. A couple days after that, I had a pool party at my house with some friends and drank and celebrated my birthday. We went out to the bars afterwards and all the bartenders were really confused when they looked at my ID and saw that I was turning 22, but I was wearing a bunch of stuff that said I was 21. I had to explain to so many people that it wasn't actually my 21st birthday, but that I just wanted to celebrate it the American way. Totally valid excuse. On my actual birthday, I WENT TO HARRY POTTER WORLD FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER AND IT WAS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE. Dreams come true. I even saw a Harry Potter look-a-like. I met Shrek and Donkey and Fiona. I got to wear a birthday pin and so many people said happy birthday to me. I tried Butter Beer. I bought Dumbledore's wand. I cast some spells. I got to be with my two best friends. It was the best. Definitely one of my top birthdays. Will never forget it. OH AND I GOT QDOBA!!!!! I love Qdoba and there aren't any in San Diego, so whenever I find myself in LA, I always look for a Qdoba. Right after going to Qdoba, I saw that wall that said "You are a goddess living in a city of angels" and I looooved it. I want to do a photography project of all the street art in LA. A couple days later, my best friend from Kentucky had to go back to stupid Kentucky. I had been avoiding the guy I was dating and putting off our break up because she was in town. I dropped my best friend off at the airport then went to talk to him. We had a very mutual break up, no hard feelings. He had my birthday present for me and it was a freaking giant bear!! I had mentioned to him that I really wanted one and he knew my favorite color was yellow so he got me a giant yellow bear! It was so thoughtful, best birthday present ever. It was really funny putting it in my car and watching people's reactions when I drove by. I still have it and I love it. You can obviously tell how happy I was in the picture of me with it. That was June. It ended a few days later. A month to remember. (I was in summer school this month and I don't even remember it HAHA must've really been a good month). This month was an exciting one because I GRADUATED!! (Didn't technically graduate, but I walked and that was an awesome experience). My family came to visit me for about a week and I always love it when they come to visit. Coincidentally, one of my mom's really good friends and a role model to me was in town visiting her daughter who lives about an hour and a half north of San Diego, so we all got to meet for lunch one day and that was awesome! My sister and I got along really well which is a bit of a rarity just because we are so different. She did call Zoey fat though and I got upset about that. Then I realized Zoey was fat and definitely overweight lmao. That's my baby though so I took it to heart. Graduation was really so amazing though. It felt like a dream. I took a video of myself walking across the stage so now I have it forever and that's pretty darn cool. I would upload the video, but apparently you gotta pay to be able to upload videos on here haha. My mom surprised me so hard too that I actually cried because of it. She got my family and my friends to each hold up a letter and they spelled out Maddie. It was the cutest thing ever. She also printed out a picture of my in my panda hat and made it into a sign. She made another one with a picture of a wolf and put Mama Wolf on it. She's really just the cutest woman ever and I love her to death. That's us in the first picture. We have this weird tradition now where she picks me up every time we see each other. That picture is probably my favorite one so far. I'm posting it because you can't see her face completely. I would post the Maddie thing, but that has my friends and sister in it and I don't know if they want their faces on my blog lol. Graduation was at like 8 am, by the way. So, after we went to brunch with the whole family and some more friends joined. One of my best friends got me that champagne glass which I LOOOOVE. It's so special and beautiful. It says my name and Class of 2017 on it. After brunch, I had a pool party at my house with more friends and that was a lot of fun. My friends got to meet my mom, sister, and Aunt who all live in Kentucky so that was really cool. It was just a great day full of celebrating my accomplishment. Kind of funny because I hadn't actually graduated yet. I still had to get through summer school. The day after graduation was Mother's Day, perfectly timed.It was the first Mother's Day in a while that my mom got to be with both of her daughters so it was really special. We spent the day taking graduation pictures (again lol), but this was so my sister and I could have some together and then some with the three of us, my mom, sister, and I. They turned out really beautiful, which I wish I could post them, but privacy. We celebrated that night by going to see Train in concert!!! I've been wanting to see Train since I was like 14 so this was a dream come true. They put on such an amazing show. I loved it. My family went home the next day and I had about a week of relaxation before starting school again. I celebrated Memorial Day by getting super drunk and going on a party cruise with one of my best friends. It was really fun, except for the part where I threw up in the Uber and had to spend my graduation money on paying for the cleaning fee LOL.
I'll start with April since the last post I made was in March. I celebrated Zoey's 6th birthday on April 6th. I bought her treats and we went on a walk to a beautiful place in a neighborhood called Del Cerro close to where I live. I don't think she knew it was her birthday, but I did and I gave her extra love that day. I had my graduation pictures taken during this month which was very exciting! Zoey was in those because she's the best and you know me, I have to take my grad pics with my dog. I did get some without her, but the ones with her are A+. My best friend took them for me and they turned out great. I dyed my hair red and black to match my school colors.I wore a red dress and black boots with red roses on them. I also brought a bottle of champagne with me and popped it in the middle of campus then proceeded to chug it which was probably the highlight of my college career. It was a lot of fun and I'm so happy with how the pictures turned out. Zoey was a perfect model dog. Soon after that, we celebrated my best friend's birthday which honestly I do not remember much of it, so I guess that means it was good lol. I went to visit the Carlsbad Flower Fields which were absolutely breathtakingly beautiful. Super cool and really glad I got to see those. It was an extraordinary sight. We took some fun pictures there, as you can see. I went with previous mentioned best friend and boyfriend. I was introduced to hockey this month and I fell in love with it! I mostly fell in love with watching the players get in fights and slam each other up against the glass. That's the best part. I tried poutine for the first time, which omg, that stuff is amazing. It's french fries covered in gravy, cheese curds, and if you love banana peppers like I do, then banana peppers and YUMMINESS.
That was April. I was in school, finishing up my last semester and celebrating almost being done. Ok, technically, it was not my last semester because I had to take summer school lol, but whatever, last official semester I guess. I took really fun classes that semester and did pretty well in all of them. Disappointed me......
Yes, my favorite band in the world disappointed me at their concert. I mean I have the right to be disappointed considering I paid $175 for a ticket and then THEY DIDN'T PLAY MY TWO FAVORITE SONGS / THE ONLY SONGS I WANTED TO HEAR (Scar Tissue and Under the Bridge). It's ok, it's cool. I still love them. But I was very, very sad. I traveled all the way from San Diego to Los Angeles and spent so much money to see them and then they disappoint me like that? NOT COOL. I actually cried, legitimately cried at the concert because I was that upset (maybe a little drunk, too). I even tried to climb over all the steps and run down to the stage to yell at them. Also, wrote them a letter expressing my disappointment. I was a very sad young Kentucky girl in a push up bra. I wish they would come to my house and sing those songs to me. Or give me free concert tickets to their next concert and free backstage passes so I can meet them. Dream big, huh. Here's a pic of me after the concert.... very, very sad. |
Maddie Lang
Dreamer. Adventurer. Wallflower. Lover. Fighter. Kentuckian / Californian. Finding my purpose in the world. Archives
February 2020
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