It seems like I attract people and then shortly after, I'm scaring them off. I am very lovable, but I am also very toxic. I use my sweet, persuasive ways to draw people in to the point that they love me unconditionally and I can do fucked up things, but they'll forgive me because they love me. Maybe it's because I got away with so much as a teenager and I said such horrible things without really having consequences. My mom still loved me, no matter what, no matter how terrible I was towards her. Now as an adult, am I doing that same thing? I know I'm loved, so loved that it makes the people that love me not want to leave me. Am I taking advantage of their love in a way? I don't think so, but maybe I am. I just get sad and I get angry and annoyed because life doesn't always work out in my favor and when it doesn't, I throw myself a pity party. I want things the way I want them and when I don't get that, I get upset. I'm very particular about certain things, especially about the things that I've worked hard for. I was the youngest growing up, so I got babied. I got my way and if I didn't, I cried until I did. It worked because maybe my mom was weak and she just couldn't take the crying any longer. News flash Maddie: it doesn't work that way when you're an adult. I'm not used to being told no. I'm not used to not getting my way. I'm not used to not coming first in someone's life. I am flawed. But aren't we all? Maybe I'm just not so good at hiding my flaws. Sometimes, I'm scared of myself, scared of the person I can be at times. I used to be carefree, loving, always smiling. I'm not sure at what point this changed, maybe it was after I got hurt for the 10th time by someone I loved and trusted. Maybe it was after one of my best friends was shot and put in the hospital for months and another one of them killed. Maybe it was after I got sexually assaulted in a foreign country by someone I had considered a friend. Maybe it was after I lost my first family member. Maybe it was after I lost one of the most important people in my life, my goddaughter. Maybe it was a combination of all of these things and losing my goddaughter was the tipping point for me. I've been angry since that, I know that. So angry at the world for taking a baby out of this world. Why her? Why my family? I ask that question a lot, why? I just want to know why, I wish I could ask god or whoever is up there deciding who lives and who dies - WHY? I know I need to get over it, it's been over a year, but this was the most tragic thing that could have ever happened to me. Worse than all the other bad things that have happened in my life. I want to be that happy Maddie again, I want to be that girl that always smiling, I want to be that strong girl that doesn't let all the shit that the world throws at her bring her down. I want to be the person I used to be. I want to be someone people look up to. I used to be. Now I'm just this angry, selfish bitch that no one wants to be around, pushing away the people that love me because they're not doing exactly what I want them to do.
Let this be a note to myself: - Suck it the fuck up - Smile more - Laugh more - Care less - Breathe when you're frustrated - Think before you speak - Love harder and better - Speak your mind but only if it's in a positive manner - Be grateful for all that life has given you If you don't, you're going to be alone because no one will put up with all the bullshit that you dish out.
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Do you think we ever hold ourselves and/or others to a higher standard than we should be? For example, maybe we expect too much of ourselves or of other people and when we don't get what we expect, we are disappointed, sad, angry. I find this happening to myself a lot meaning I'll expect someone to do something or act a certain way and then when they don't, I'm upset which is kind of silly because I shouldn't have been expecting anything. I should just be happy with what I do get and if I don't get what I want, it shouldn't be the end of the world. Obviously, I'm not saying we shouldn't have no expectations, but maybe just lower them and focus on not being upset when they aren't met exactly. I believe this also goes for mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes, it's inevitable. If you make a mistake, you usually punish yourself for it and someone else most likely punishes you for it as well. Maybe we shouldn't be so hard on ourselves or others, though. I know when I make a mistake, I beat myself up over it, I'm angry with myself, and most of the time, I'm filled with hate for myself depending on what it was that I did. The mistake consumes my mind and fills me with regret, therefore, I give myself enough punishment and don't really need to be punished by someone else on top of it. I recently made a few mistakes and I'm really mad at myself and embarrassed which is where this whole post stemmed from because I'm sure there are other people out there that have felt the way I do right now. Just a friendly reminder that we're all only human, we aren't perfect, we screw up sometimes. Hannah Montana said it best back in 2007, nobody's perfect. The people that forgive you and give you second chances, third chances, twentieth chances, are the people who really care about you and love you. I've never believed in second chances, I believe in always forgiving someone especially when it is someone you love. Don't be too hard on yourself the next time you make a mistake and try not to be too hard on someone else that makes a mistake. Learn from your mistakes and allow yourself to become a better person because of them, that's what I'll be doing.
Wow, I haven't written in so long. It's to the point that this feels unfamiliar to me. I don't like it when I let myself go this long without writing. I have always used writing as an outlet, a way to cope with trauma and pain. As I have gotten older, I have started using alcohol to cope with my pain which is not realistic because it just makes the pain go away for a little bit, it's a temporary solution. It's almost September, three months until it's a new year. So much has happened in my life that I have just let pass me by, rather than sitting down and thinking about it. I think that is probably why I have been so sad lately.. I haven't been letting myself heal and grow from my pain, I've just been wallowing in it.
I wrote something about this on my Instagram, but didn't really share exactly what it was. You would only know if you know me well. I think now that it has almost been a full year since it happened, I should sit down and write about it. *I will be using initials of everyone's names to keep this somewhat confidential for those that are brought up in this story.* On September 28, 2018, I received quite possibly the worst news in my life. My one year old goddaughter died, tragically and unexpectedly. I still remember the day like it was yesterday. It was a busier than normal Friday at work because of a site issue, so I was a little stressed. My co-worker (A) that sits behind me was the only one in the office with me at the time. She got a call that was from Kentucky which we both thought was cool. As she was on that call, I got a phone call, so I wasn't really listening to her side of the conversation. Once she got off the phone, my mom called my cellphone, but I was still on a call. My call finally ended and I went to call my mom back, but before I could do that, A stops me and says, go in the conference room and sit down. I was really confused by this, but as soon as my mom answered the phone, I understood. She was in tears and could barely even get the words out. Immediately, I asked if her and my sister were ok, she said yes, we are fine, but it was about my goddaughter, K. She told me what happened, that she was gone... I couldn't believe it. I was in tears, barely able to breath. Luckily, A stayed by my side while I was talking to my mom and even brought me a box of tissues. I still had about two hours left in my work shift for the day and a lot of work to do. I decided to stay at work because I thought it might help distract me, but I could barely keep myself from constantly crying. A texted my boss and told him what happened, so he sent me home. I was in tears the entire drive home. I'm in tears right now writing this. I called my best friend (B) and asked her if she could just come be with me and of course, she said yes. I called my other best friend in Kentucky and told her what happened, I was sobbing on the phone talking to her. My world felt like it was crashing down on me. I finally got home and not much longer, B got there. I had calmed down a bit and just talked to her about it which made me feel a little better. I was just so confused as to how and why this could have happened. I was angry. I was sad. I was hurt. I was devastated. I was lost. It's been almost 11 months since that day. It's gotten a little easier, but it still hurts just as much as it did then. I will never stop missing her. I will never stop thinking about her. I will never stop wishing she was here. I just wish I could have spent more time with her when she was here. I wish I could watch her grow up. She was my baby, almost a mini-me. I say a mini-me because it's my cousin's daughter and we have a weird family thing where we have the same family on both our mom and dads side. (My mom's brother married my dad's sister... yeah, some weird Kentucky shit. I call him my double cousin). Every 28th of the month this year has been hard. Somehow, I always end up having a bad day and then I look at the date and it all makes sense. This was a very traumatic event for me and I really didn't know how to cope with it. I've always had my anti-depressants to help me through the pain and the PTSD, but I've been off of my medication since October 2017. I've had to learn how to deal with loss on my own, without the medication which has not been fun. My heart is still so broken and there's this empty space in it that I don't think I'll ever be able to fill, but I can try. I will always continue to try and that's what matters. K may not be here physically, but I know she is always with me spiritually, and I want to be strong for her. Not that she could read yet, but maybe heaven exists and maybe she learned how to read there, so K, I love you and I miss you and you will forever be in my thoughts. I just took a deep breath and I feel... content? It feels good to have written this down. It feels like maybe my heart isn't so empty now. This is why I love writing, it helps me cope with my pain. When I was living in Europe, I had a really traumatic event happen to me there and I remember writing it all down in my journal and feeling like a weight had been lifted from my chest. I was on anti-depressants then, so it was a little easier to deal with, but writing helped me. I could leave this as a draft and not post it, but I want to share it because I know we all go through similar situations in life. We all experience pain in different ways, whether it be losing a loved one or getting our heart broken, it all hurts the same. I don't like to hide the dark parts of myself. I will always be open about my life and the events that happen in it. I think we all should be because there is almost always someone that can relate to what you are going through. It's usually a lot easier to talk to someone when you know they have been through something similar to what you have been through. I haven't written in so long, I've been so caught up in life. I've been barely been taking anytime to focus on myself and when I do, I usually just relax by watching TV. I need to make it a priority again to take a day or even just a few hours out of one day to go down to the beach and write. There was a point in time where I was doing this almost every Sunday, but now it's been a few months since I've done that. A lot has happened in the last few months of me being absent on here. Good things and bad things. I want to try to talk about all these things, but I think each one needs it own individual post which I will probably do eventually and match them to their respective dates, therefore, making them show up before this post.
November just started, so I'll talk about that. WOW, it's freaking November already, whaaat!!!?? It's almost 2019 which is just absolutely crazy to me. I swear this year just started. I feel like I've accomplished nothing this year, so that's disappointing. Nothing big has changed in my life, either. I live in the same apartment, I have the same stupid job, my hair is pretty much the same, and my goals for the next year haven't really changed. I did finally figure out a good business idea and I'm going to focus on trying to make that happen like really actually focus and work on it, not just say I'm going to like I have been. I think I might quit my job in April, I don't want to continue working in a job that I'm not happy with or passionate about. The dream would be to quit my job and just travel for a year or so, go to music festivals all over the world, but I have a dog and no money! I did just go to Escape, though! A festival I have been dying to go to for like 5 years. That was a lot of fun. Today, I flew to Anchorage, Alaska to meet my family for a 7-day cruise through the inside passage of Alaska. I was mostly flying all day, but there is still a few significant moments of this journey that are worthy of writing about. Plus, I've got some time to kill right now. I left San Diego at about 1 pm where I got on my first flight to Seattle. I've never been to Seattle and it looked like a beautiful day there, which is rare for them. The temperature was 90 degrees, too! Unfortunately my layover was only about 2 hours so there was no way I could go out and explore. My next flight was about 3.5 hours to Anchorage where I'd get to see my family! My mom and step-dad had been in Alaska for a week and a half and the other part of my family arrived about an hour before I did. Somehow, my mom and step-dad were returning their rental car at the airport just as I was landing, so I got to ride to the hotel with them! It was almost 9 pm in Anchorage and still light as hell in the sky. I don't know how people sleep there. I felt so awake there because it felt like the middle of the day. The rest of my family had already eaten dinner and were already in bed, so my mom went to dinner with me and then we went to bed as we had to wake up at the crack of dawn in the morning to catch our train to the cruise ship!
*I'll update this later with some pictures from the flight. **Also, will be posting all about my cruise in order with the corresponding dates, along with the pictures (which I have yet to edit).... :/ :P I think I should talk about how hard it is to be a customer service representative when you have depression. Customer service is a hard freaking job. It's hard for someone that doesn't have depression and/or anxiety. It takes a toll on you, emotionally draining you. You have to be nice to every single person, no matter what. They can talk bad to you, they can cuss you out, they can call you names, they can yell at you and you just have to sit there and take it. You have to act happy and nice to every single person even after just hanging up the phone with a mean customer. Sometimes, all you want to do is cry because of the things people say to you. Sometimes, you just want to scream and you can't. With depression, there's days where I don't even want to get out of bed, but I have to. I feel bad if I call in sick so I never do. I have to push through it and act happy at work. Sometimes, I just want to cry and I don't know why. Sometimes, I don't want to talk to anyone, I want to be left alone. 5 days a week, 8 hours a day, I have to talk to people, no matter how I'm feeling. If my depression is bad, it doesn't matter, I still have to be at work because I need the money.
It's been 5 years since I've heard from or seen my father. Five years. I don't even know what he looks like anymore. He doesn't know what I look like. I don't really even know if he's alive or dead. Does he know if I'm alive? If I died, would he come to the funeral? He doesn't know what I've accomplished. He doesn't know who I am, how strong I am, how independent I am. It really makes me sick to my stomach thinking about this stuff which is why I try not to. The five year anniversary of not seeing him passed about two weeks ago and I didn't even think about it until a few days ago, but it hit me hard. Five years, that's a long time. I graduated college, I lived in Europe for 8 months, I got tattoos and piercings, I dyed my hair, I got a dog, I got a full-time job. He doesn't care about me. If he did, he would have reached out. He would have come to see me. He drove to Alabama to see my sister when she left for college after the last words she had said to him were "I hate you". A lot of people ask me what I did to him like it's my fault that he doesn't talk to me or care about me. I followed my dreams and he didn't like that. He's an alcoholic and mentally ill. I thought I'd never speak to him again after he looked me straight in the eyes and said "You're not my daughter anymore" on Christmas Day standing in the cold snow. Honestly, I hoped that would be the last time I spoke or saw him because that was low. I've never been so hurt in my life. My sister and I drove away in tears. Yet, he showed up to my high school graduation a year and a half later. He acted like nothing had happened. He brought the latest girl he had been fucking. He asked me if I wanted to take a road trip to California with him. I politely declined as I had already booked my flight and of course, he was insulted, but I mean, dude, really? The last thing you say to me is that I'm not your daughter anymore and then you expect me to want to drive across the country with you, yeah makes perfect sense. That's when I knew he was really mentally ill. So, that was that. The last time I saw him. The last time I spoke to him. He never called to make sure I made it to California. I did change my phone number, but he could have gotten my new one from my mom. He actually even contacted my mom shortly after my graduation and my 18th birthday to take her to court to make sure he didn't have to pay child support anymore. The last thing I heard about him was that he was telling people that it was my fault, that I betrayed him and I'm the reason why we don't talk. Like I did something wrong. I always loved him. I always cared. Even when I was 10 years old and he was driving me around drunk. Even when I was 13 years old and he verbally abused me. Even when I was 15 years old and he physically abused my dogs so bad that I had to lock my door because I was scared he would hurt me. Even when I was 16 years old and he told me where I was conceived while we were at dinner. Even when I was 17 years old and he told me I wasn't his daughter anymore. Through all the pain, I still loved him. Yet, I do one thing he doesn't want me to do, go to college in California, which had been my dream since I was 11 years old, and he never wants to speak to me again. He stopped caring about me, as if he ever really did. He stopped loving me, which I doubt that he ever did. It's just sad, man. It's fucked my head and my heart up. I've been terrified of love because of him. Thinking if anyone ever did love me, they would just end up leaving me like he did. I hurt people that I loved so that they couldn't hurt me first because that's how scared I was. Luckily, I've come to terms with this and figured out why I was doing what I was, but that doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt. I think it always will. Father's Day is coming up, too. It's always close to my birthday which makes me mad. I delete every single email I get that has to do with Father's Day, I don't even open them. I cross out Father's Day on my calendars. Sometimes, Father's Day falls on my birthday and that's the worst. Everyone is with their father's and being all happy and I'm all sad and alone on my birthday. Social media is probably the worst on that day. It makes me really, really sad seeing the pictures of everyone with their dads. Then if I go out to lunch or dinner, I see these happy families and that really hurts, too. I'll just stay inside all day and not look at my phone. I always text my mom, though, thanking her for being both a mother and a father to me. I'm lucky to have such a great mom. I guess it's only fair that you get one or the other. I should be grateful I even have one because some people have neither. Honestly, I'm grateful for the experiences and pain he put me through because it made me a stronger person.
As I lay in bed alone for what felt like the millionth time this month, a feeling of inadequacy swept over me. I'm constantly wondering if I will ever be enough. Will someone ever be able to love me with all of my flaws, my messy, dark past, the demons that I hide deep within? I just want to give my all to someone, but it's almost as if no one wants it. Will anyone ever be able to accept me and all of my flaws, my imperfections? Accept me for who I am including the good and the bad? There's nothing I want more than to be in love, completely and madly in love. Where the only thing I want is him and the only thing he wants is me. Always on each other's minds. Only wanting to be with each other. I keep falling for people that don't fall for me. Stuck in an endless loop of having my heart broken. Why can't I just find someone to love me as much as I love them? I'm ready to give up. I hate love. I hate having crushes. I hate feelings. I just want to be happy and in love. Is that too much to fucking ask for? I'm so alone and nothing feels like home.
I never hesitate to tell someone exactly how I'm feeling. If I like you, I'm going to tell you. If I love you, I'm going to tell you. I don't care if you don't feel the same way, I don't care if you think it's too soon. I will always be honest about my feelings because I don't want to regret not sharing them. I have nothing to lose when I share my feelings. The worst that happens is you tell me you don't feel the same way. The reason I'm like this is because tomorrow is NEVER promised. You don't know what is going to happen, you don't know if that could be the last time you'll see that person. If you are arguing with the person you love, do not leave. You sit there and work it out until you are back on good terms. Imagine if you walked out on the person you love because you were arguing and that was the last time you saw them. The last words you said to them was something horrible that you didn't mean, but you said them because you were angry. I don't mean to be dark, I'm just being honest. I live every day like it could be my last because like I said, tomorrow is never promised. I try to be kind to everyone I meet because I don't know what is going on in their life, I don't know if this could be their last day on earth. It takes almost no energy to be nice, so why not be nice? In a world that is filled with mental health issues and suicide growing at an alarming rate, we need to look out for each other. Death is inevitable, but we can definitely try to avoid it. So, if you've been thinking about telling the guy or girl you have a crush on them, but you've been to scared to tell them, just do it! The worst that happens is you get turned down. But you'll never know until you try. Maybe they like you back and they've been too scared to tell you, too. Take risks. Live your life to the fullest. Don't overthink. Get a tattoo. Get your nipples pierced. Travel to Europe. Fall in love with a stranger. And always remember to be kind. You only have one life and you don't want to get older and think about all the things you wished you had done. People always wait until it's too late. Don't be that person.
To all the beautiful souls that read my blog, thank you. You don't how much that means to me. I write these pretty much just for my self, but to know there are people out there reading this other than me really makes me smile. Much love to all of you. <3 Approximately one million people commit suicide each year worldwide, about one death every 40 seconds or 3,000 a day. For each person that takes their own life, at least 20 attempt to. In 2015, suicide the second leading cause of death for people aged 15 to 24 and the third leading cause of death for people aged 10 to 14. Can you imagine being 10 years old and be so depressed that you wanted to take your own life? Some of these children are believed to have taken their lives because of bullying. A friend of mine's daughter committed suicide at age 15 because of bullying. These cases are never talked about. We only pay attention to suicide when it's someone famous. We only talk about depression and self harm when a famous person is depressed or self harming themselves. There is a fear in people that causes them to not want to speak out about what they are going through. Afraid someone will judge them, afraid no one will care, afraid they'll get a negative reaction from their loved ones. It takes a lot for someone suffering from a mental illness like depression, self harm, or suicidal thoughts to speak up about it, so when they do and they get a negative reaction to it, it makes them never want to talk about it again. I self harmed for years, I was depressed, I had suicidal thoughts all the time. I was scared to tell anyone. I didn't know how they would react. I was afraid they'd judge me rather than help me. I got lucky, my mom was there for me, my friends were there for me, even my father was there for me (and that's rare). Some people aren't as lucky as I am. Their parents and/or their friends don't understand and sometimes they end up making it worse. We need to be there for people when they reach out, when they ask for help. I never asked for help, but I got help because someone noticed and said something. They saw the burns on my wrists and knew something wasn't right. Imagine all the people we could help if we were more open about this topic. Imagine how many lives we could save. I know I bring this topic up a lot, but that's because I think if I'm open about it, I will encourage other people to be open about it, too. I want to help. I don't want people to be afraid to talk to me. I want us to talk about these things more. No one should have to suffer alone. I did for a long time and it only made things worse. I've been self harm free for about 4 or 5 years. I have been off my anti-depressants for 7 months. I can't even remember the last time I had a suicidal thought. I made it out alive and I want other people to, too. I've said it before, but I'll say it again. Be f**king kind to one another. You don't know what anyone is going through, what they're suffering from, what kind of demons they've got holding them back. And if you're the kind of person that makes fun of a homeless person when they talk to themselves, please unfollow me and go think about your life decisions. A lot of those people are mentally ill and maybe they're mentally ill because they did too many drugs, but that doesn't matter. You shouldn't be making fun of them, calling them names, or laughing in their faces. And I know some of them think they're living the life, which is fine, let them, but you still don't need to make fun of them. I see this happen so often and it drives me nuts. How would you feel if you had a mental illness, but you couldn't afford help and you had no family, so you were forced to leave on the streets? Not very good, and probably even worse if you watched people make fun of you all day. This world is so cruel and it's not easy to live with the tragedy we've all been through. The least we can do is be kind to one another. Help someone when they need it. Be that shoulder they can cry on. Lay in bed with them all day because they're too depressed to get out of it. Be a friend. And never, ever judge them. I used to be a very judgmental person when I was a teenager and I hate myself for it. I still find myself being a little judgey at times, but I have never and will never judge someone for how they deal with their pain. "I kissed the scars on her skin. I still think you're beautiful and I don't ever want to lose my best friend".
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Maddie Lang
Dreamer. Adventurer. Wallflower. Lover. Fighter. Kentuckian / Californian. Finding my purpose in the world. Archives
February 2020
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